A Failed Attempt at Seduction

Let me just start with telling you that while I was attempting to find a photo to go with this blog I googled "black lingerie images" and that was a big mistake. Big. Don't ever do that.

That being said, everyone knows that I have been on a weight loss journey to a better me. I have made huge progress and am down 19 pounds, but we are always our own worst critics. I made the mistake of whining to my husband about how I felt so defeated and as though I wasn't making progress and he was not at all understanding. In fact, he told me I was stupid. The problem is that I don't see it in the mirror yet. My most self conscious areas are always the last go. So cruel.

So anyway...Doug told me a week ago I should probably put on some lingerie so he could really tell the true difference between my wedding night body and my now body. I personally think the man will use any excuse he can in the book to get me into lingerie but last night as I was watching an Army Wives marathon the power just up and died. I called the power company in a panic (is Denise seriously going to cheat?!) and they told me tough cookies it would be a few hours. Great. Now what. I am stuck in a powerless house and Doug is at work.

After about 30 minutes of boredom I emailed my mother from my bberry and told her I needed a shower. She replied, "Then take one you don't need power to take a shower." To which I was just astonished. I mean in my brain you would need the power to shoot the water out of faucet at a high enough pressure to rinse your hair out. I expressed this concern to her and she was temporarily embarrassed I was her daughter, but assured me I could shower without electricity.

I went and got the super flashlight and hung it from the towel rack and lit a few candles and then BAM! Light bulb! In my head. Not the real lights, they weren't working yet. I had this genius idea that since I was being forced to survive by candlelight anyway I might as well take Doug's suggestion and surprise him when he gets home from work.

So, I took my shower, I shaved my legs (which I hate doing and they were in desperate need), I dressed in my version of lingerie (which is not the same as the google results, not even kind of), I lotioned up in his favorite scent and then....................I waited. And waited. And waited. And checked the clock to find out I still had an hours worth of waiting to do.

In the meantime the power came back on so I killed the candles. No use in wasting them. I might have another emergency lighting situation in the future. I turned on a night light and I laid down in bed. If I just rested my eyes.....

After that, I don't remember much. For the most part I heard it all this morning when Doug was relaying the information to me. He didn't get home until nearly a quarter to eleven and he fed the dogs, let them out, came in the bedroom, saw me sleeping, watched some TV, you know in no hurry to come to his boring sleeping wife in bed. Apparently I had gotten really cold so I had the comforter pulled up to my neck. He had no idea I wasn't wearing just my regular sweats and t-shirt.

When he finally came to bed I must have rolled over to steal his warmth because that was when he realized I was scantily clad. I vaguely remember him getting excited and asking me what I was wearing. To which he claims my response was "Ugh Meh bleh blue argh uh huh." I personally think I was saying something along the lines of.....your job botched my seduction attempt, don't touch me.

Apparently, shortly after that, the big dog jumped on the bed and in my stupor I shouted "Get that *$&# dog off the bed." Doug said he knew at that point he was definitely not getting the benefits of that black tank top and matching bottom.

While I find this utterly hilarious, he might have a different opinion of this story. Mostly though, I'm just pissed I shaved my legs for nothing.