In my last Friday post I mentioned an emotional experience, the desire to blog about it, the emotional need for time to process it....this, my friends, the that blog.
My Grandma is suffering from advancing Parkinson's disease. It is a horrible disease that requires a cocktail of drugs taken daily at 8, noon, 2 and dinner time. Combine the disease with a woman over the age of 80 and the effects the medicine have on her clairvoyance and you might have a tiny idea of what it is like for her. Imagine a strong-willed woman who gave natural birth to 9 children, at one point have 5 children under the age of 5, worked with cloth diapers, a fire taking their home, acting as a mother to her own children, her grandchildren, her great grandchildren....and in a matter of what seemed like such a short time, she is the one in need of care. She now needs her meals made for her, help with her daily activities, a steadying hand to move from the bed to the wheelchair....and how my heart hurts for her.
My grandmother lives full time in my father's home now. My grandfather came there with her. It is hard to process the life changes that all these things have meant not just for them, but for my Dad, his wife, my cousins, my nieces and nephews....how for so many years their home was all of our home and now their home is no more. Life keeps happening, change is inevitable, but that does not mean I have to like it.
About 3 weeks ago I had the opportunity to go stay with my grandparents for a week to help provide their care. I had no idea the task I was taking on. I will say this, after having spent the time there doing it, I have a whole new respect for my father and step-mother. A new respect, a new love, a new admiration.
I love my grandparents. In a way that runs so deep I couldn't describe it if I tried. I feel like they run through my metaphorical veins and as a result the emotional toll this experience had on me was great. Grandpa is pretty self-sufficient. He doesn't cook, but I truly, truly, truly believe he just doesn't know how. I mean, he never had to before in his whole life. He is a quiet man with a deep understanding of life and why we are all here. His wisdom in all areas is infinite and although you rarely see him emotional, his passion for his family runs deep. We are blessed to have an amazing Patriarch in our ranks.
Grandma, however, is a lot more work. She has her good days and her bad days. She has some days where her need for you is so little you forget she is sick at all. Then she has nights where her need for help is so overwhelming you have a hard time finding the woman she once was in her eyes. I could tell you specific stories about my time with her, specific nights where things were hard, the sound of her calling your name across the baby monitor at 3 a.m. because she can't seem to get a good enough hold on her trapeze to turn over....but I won't. Instead I will tell you this.....
*My time with her was priceless.
*I learned more about her in those 7 days than I knew in my whole life.
*She loves her family fiercely and deeply and will keep trying to better them until the day she leaves this earth.
*Sometimes she feels abandoned by people.
*She hates the word nursing home.
*She is not afraid to die, her faith in her beliefs are unwavering and she is certain she is going to go somewhere better than this.
*When her legs shake, her brain gets scrambled and she cries for reasons that even she can not identify....a touch from my grandfather - the man she has loved and stood by for more than 3/4 of her life - can calm her. The tears don't always stop. Her brain doesn't always align again right away....but the love between the two of them supersedes anything earthly that we might try to understand.
*My grandfather loves her more than anything. It isn't a cliche. It is real.
*Her body may be giving up on her, but she is still is hilarious, she is still brilliant, she is still intriguing, she still loves to cook (even if all she can do is direct from her wheelchair), she is still the best listener in the whole world.
*She and my grandfather are the most understanding and forgiving people I have ever met.
*The Walton's really is a good show.
*If you put a plate of healthy baked chicken and roasted red potatoes in front of my grandfather, he is going to ask you for BBQ sauce and gravy.
*If you tell her she can't have a pain pill because enough time hasn't passed since the last one, she will wheel her chair over to my grandfather, look him straight in the eyes and say, "These snot-nosed kids think they can tell me when I can and can't have my pills."
*EVERY singe prayer they say, three times a day, they thank the Lord for their blessings, their meals and the people that care for them. Every prayer. Every day.
*They still love the fresh air as much as they did at 16.
*They are an incredible example of what love and marriage should be.
*They have left an amazing legacy that so many people are missing out on.
*They appreciate the kindness people show them, visiting teachers, home teachers, neighbors who stop by....they appreciate all of you.
*They may be getting old and feeble, but they aren't stupid.
*They wish more people would pick up the phone and call them.
*They miss their family that is growing up and moving so far apart.
*It would take years of living with them daily to even touch the ice berg of knowledge they have between the two of them.
I know this isn't even close to all the things that I felt while I was there. I am certain I am missing out on certain things, probably more important things, but as I said...emotional writing is difficult. These two people are an incredible example of what real love looks like. It isn't fairy tales. It isn't fancy dresses. It isn't riches. It isn't fancy cars. It isn't a castle on a hill. It is real life, and surviving it. It is support. It is partnership. It is unconditional love.
I had moments when I was there that I got frustrated with my grandmother. I am ashamed to admit there were times I heard her on that monitor and dreaded the fact that it meant my sleep was interrupted. I came home, stood in the shower until the hot water ran out and cried for all 42 minutes that it took to run cold. I was ready to come home and the second I was in the car I was already wanting to go back. I was exhausted and ready to be done taking care of her and yet by Muddy Gap Junction I was already sad for the time it meant I was missing. It was hard. It was confusing. It was an emotional toll. BUT above all of that, it was a blessing. It was a gift. It was a beautiful bonding moment. It was a time I will treasure in my heart above all others. It was precious.
I know we all have busy lives. We have bills. We have responsibilities. We have our own families to take care of. However, I say this, if you are ever given the opportunity to help, take it. If you are able to offer even 24 hours of relief to the primary care givers, offer it.
As I walked out the front door and down the handicapped ramp, I heard my grandfather quietly say to me, "You are the best help this place has ever seen. We will never be able to explain how much it mean to us." I couldn't look back. I couldn't turn around. I was barely able to choke out an "I love you" before the tears flowed freely down my cheeks and moistened the dust covered deck. Oh but you see Grandpa, I am the one who should be so grateful.....
