I wrote and rewrote this blog probably a half a dozen times.  I felt the itch to write about my upcoming doom birthday, but the words escaped me – the adjectives and verbs to paint a picture of how I felt fluttered at the edge of my mind refusing to take shape into anything remotely comprehensible.  Scared? Not the right word. Annoyed? Eh…not in the traditional sense.  Old? Wait, no, don’t got there yet. Failure? Achievement? Slow bloomer? Confused?

No matter how hard I struggled, the words continued to run away to the far reaches of the wall in my brain that signifies full on writer’s block.  The black, impenetrable wall loomed in my mind and my hope for therapeutic writing dwindled.  The blinking cursor on the screen mocked me.  I closed Word and chose “Don’t Save” five times.

You see, I still feel like adulthood eludes me sometimes. Sure, I own my home, pay my own bills, drive my own car, go to a job with retirement and health insurance…but there are certain elements of growing into an adult that I thought would be in my repertoire of achievements by now. Those elements are still drifting in space somewhere, sometimes so close I think touching them is possible, but when I stretch out my hand to grab ahold of them, they flitter into dust and scatter in the breeze.

Make no mistake; happiness abounds in my soul. The looming birthday just caused some temporary panic and forgetfulness.  The impending TWO and EIGHT in my mind facilitated the loss of letters and thoughts because I started to focus on what was missing, not what is there.  Then, I heard a song on the radio and just like the sun burns fog off in the early morning, the lyrics burned the wall in my mind down and I knew what I wanted to say, what I needed to say.

I am not where I thought I would be in life by now, I am somewhere better.  I didn’t get married young enough to have my 2.5 children by now, but I did choose to wait for a marriage that will last, that will stand the test of time and that will carry me into eternity.  I didn’t chase my passions when I was 18 like I should have, but now I run after them with fervor. Now, I possess an even greater appreciation for education and the impact on human lives achieved through knowledge.  Knowledge IS empowerment.  What did I gain from a nontraditional approach to life? Immense knowledge, and therefore, hopefully the power to provide guidance and education that will last the ages and help turn me, my family, my husband and my children into better people.

Perspective seems to turn things into a brighter light. The perspective provided from a song, for instance.

“When I get where I’m going, there’ll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years.”

I’m not there yet and there are days that the journey hurts and leaves me feeling wanting.  I know with certainty though, that I am well on my way to “there.”  I am not exactly thrilled about turning another year older this year. What excites me though, is knowing that what is waiting for me in the year to come exceeds all expectations.  The tricky thing is, I have to first accept the passing of time and the turn of another year for me to get to what lies ahead. AND let me tell you, what lies ahead is so very worth the passing of time.