My Grown Up Christmas List

I love everything about this song, from the lyrics to my girl Kelly Clarkson rocking them.  I love the message, the reality and the reminder that as we age, the things we want change. Our awareness of the world changes and then the things we want start to seem trivial and inconsequential.  We long for peace, a place full of love and charity to raise our children in. We want to walk down the street on a cold Christmas night and not worry about the steps sounding behind us.  Because we are more aware of the world and our surroundings, our hearts hurt for families who go without and children who Santa does not visit.

Of course I still have things I long for...material things I could list that I would love to have. I am, after all, only human. A new dishwasher, a gas stove, new carpet, new clothes, countless movies, books and jewelry and accessories oh, my!  It seems like as we age, the material things that we want increase in price with us.

I saw a list the other day that said for Christmas we should ask for “one thing you want, one thing you need, one thing to wear and one thing to read.”  I thought this was beautiful.  If it was up to me, everyone in the world would get AT LEAST the one thing to read.  BUT, and this is a big BUT, even a list that small can start to cost A LOT of money.

So this year, when I thought about what I wanted for Christmas, I thought about it in the same way I would have made a list for Santa.  What I came up with, when I let the initial desire for the new Cinderella collection shoes at DSW wear off, was this:

·        I want the magic of Christmas to live forever.  No matter what age we are or what illusions are shattered about elves or the North Pole.  I still reach my ears up to the night sky on Christmas Eve and listen for sleigh bells.  I still hear them…because that is the magic.

·        I want people to keep using the regular old snail mail.  I love getting a surprise letter in the mail.  I think that is a better gift than most, and it is for the going rate of 44 cents.

·        I want to be able to love and to forgive, and to do it with the perfect balance of forgiving and growing, letting go of anger but balancing relationships, not expecting more from people than they can give and loving them, sometimes with the understanding that they are the best they can be right now, which means forgiveness does not always come with forgetfulness.

·        I want my husband to know I love him more than anything in the entire world.

·        I want an A in my last class that I still haven’t received a grade in yet.

·        I want to “want” less and appreciate more.

·        I want to live life and not just go through the motions.

·        I want to remember that each day is a gift.

·        I want to remember that there are a lot of good people in this world, and try to be one of them.

·        I want to be better at keeping in touch.

·        I want to write a book of poetry.

·        I want to write a book, with a plot, not of poetry.

·        I want to someday be the best parent I can be.

·        I want to be a good wife.

·        I want to increase patience and decrease frustration.

So there you have it, my own grown up Christmas list.  Not one monetary thing on there…and that feels good.  Think about it, what we really want in our hearts is rarely something that can be purchased, traded for or acquired with money.

As I head out to experience a Christmas completely away from technology, I wish you all the very best Holiday Season.  That’s something I forgot on my list.  I want everyone to have a blessed ending to 2012. That is something that the whole entire world deserves.

Merry Christmas...and may the magic of the season consume your hearts and last all of next year.

The Storm

There is a moment, before a storm, of complete serenity and peace.

Today, the weather started off cool, and when I went to lunch the wind was picking up, reminding me that it is, after all, December in Wyoming. By the time I returned from lunch, it was an entirely different story.
The wind was howling and cutting like a frozen knife through every crack in my coat and scarf. The trees were swaying and the squirrels were racing for safety. The temperatures were dropping rapidly and I was sure if I looked to the sky I would see Pecos Bill in the clouds riding into town on the western blowing winds trying to knock my body over. I felt the cold in my bones.

When I left work, I braced myself for the same signs of a storm coming, but I got lucky and experienced the rare calm before the storm.

So, there is a moment, a moment before the storm, a secret moment between the human and the sky. A moment where the wind doesn't blow, the branches don't sway, the animals don't strain against the force trying to push them down.  A moment, dare I say, when heaven reaches down and touches the earth and the air silently whispers to all who will listen, "Go home, I'm about to unleash a beautiful monster on you."

Annnnnnnnnnd...then it was December



http://www.ratestogo.com/blog/best-christmas-light-displays/ 

Shunned for acting just a bit nutty, Dominic Luberto started decorating his gigantic single-family home in Boston back in 2006. He has to get an early start, usually in October, in order to get all $10,000 worth of lights up in time for his holiday party.



His neighbors don’t necessarily enjoy the early display, but Luberto has been quoted as saying that he only wants to add beauty to life and enjoys the happy gazes of children as they pass by his monstrous creation. It may not be the biggest Christmas light display on earth, but it was definitely created with love.



I used to mock people who said they didn’t have time to blog.  I thought they were just lazy or maybe that they were suffering a serious case of writer’s block. I even thought that perhaps they just decided surfing pinterest was a better way to blow time. Then, I became a person who doesn’t have time to blog and now I am issuing a public apology to all the previous non bloggers for my harsh judgments.  It really DOES happen, this lack of time to blog, and in short: that sucks!

I’m ttttthhhiiiiiisssss close to bidding the fall of 2012 semester adieu and with the passing of time I encounter my standard bittersweet feeling.  I learned that graduate level classes really mean nothing except twice the reading and twice the papers. I also learned that the people are so stinking nice in class that it’s almost sad to say good-bye.  When I was 18, people were SOOOO not that nice in class.

I know that The Hubs had a fabulous time at the cabin hunting over Thanksgiving, but I don’t know if I had a fabulous time being solo on the holiday.  I sat down next to my eldest brother to eat dinner and said to him, “You know, I waited my whole life to grow up and get married so I wouldn’t be the single girl at the dinner table hitching rides home with her cousins.  Look at me now, I’m married, I still hitched a ride here with my cousin and a ride home with a different cousin, and I am the single girl at the dinner table!”  I’m so glad he was able to uphold a family tradition, but he was sorely missed not only by me but by so many family members who care so much about him that they have made it clear they are Team D.  I don’t know if I have any Team A’s left?

I LOVE Christmastime – I think everyone is extra kind to each other and I go all gooey on the inside for the music, the decorations, the lights (OMG THE LIGHTS!!!), the good cheer and the joy.  I wish every year I had more money than I do, not for gift giving but for random acts of kindness. I wish I could be the person that leaves the waitress a 20 dollar tip on a 10 dollar bill or the person who can select a family in need from the community tree to provide for.  Maybe someday, but for now I am a few pennies away from being a family name on that tree! Instead I try to spread joy and kindness and smiles and lots of “Happy Holidays!” Words just don’t do this time of year justice, it simply is something one must feel, and feel it I shall!

I haven’t stretched my fingers much this semester, and I know that means people from far away don’t get many updates. I’m going to try to be better about it, I swear!  I do promise everyone will get a Christmas card, which has got to count for something.  J We will be incognito December 20-30 while I set sail to have the time of my life with some of my favorite people.  I can’t wait.  I also can’t believe how darn lucky I am to live this blessed life full of so much love.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving.

The very word inspires some of the most vivid memories of my childhood.  It reaches into my heart and I feel like a fist is squeezing life into my chest. That’s how much the memories mean to me.  Much has changed.  Our family has outgrown the small home built by my grandparents with love and hard work.  Gone are the days where the kids sit on the steps leading from the kitchen and long to be 12 just so they can eat in that beloved living room!  Gone are the days where we set up tables in the living room for the kids while the adults eat at the long wooden table spanning the whole kitchen.  We don’t gather any longer to wash the nice dishes at the close of the meal and bump into each while crowded into an over packed but warm, cozy and safe home.  There are not enough homes still belonging to our family in a small area for everyone to walk up a hill, or down a hill or through a corral to gather in the same place.

Now we gather in a church.  My grandparents live in assisted living.  The family has moved and scattered. But those memories – how those memories live on.

I can remember the first real tackle I took in an after Thanksgiving football game we played in the front yard.  I remember the feel of my back slamming into the dead grass and the air rushing out of my lungs.  The concern in the voices of brothers and cousins and people I love that quickly turned into, “Shake it off” as soon as I stood up and everyone knew I was okay.  The best day was when I had earned the right to be the one to issue the tackle to the next young child grown old enough to the play the game.

There were hayrides. There were dances.  There were family talent shows and soups and long horse rides that lasted until dusk.  If I close my eyes in a moment of silence I can still see the cowboy hats of the men I loved lining the back wall of Grandma’s kitchen, I hear the laughter, I feel the joy and I taste the nuts we all cracked while gathered in this place.  My hands feel the lessons I learned in the kitchen. My ears hear the laughter that always accompanied this gathering, the organized chaos of conversations, the occasional shout of joy.  My eyes burn from the exhaustion because we never wanted to sleep. You see, we were too busy enjoying every second of being together.  I can taste the biscuits and gravy tradition of the Friday morning meal.  My muscles ache with the memory of work: there was always a Thanksgiving project.  Maybe it was building a garage or cutting wood, but it was always together.

There were always injuries.  We were a wild bunch.  The injuries accompanied the best memories though.  The year we hooked the old Volkswagen bug up to a tow rope and off-roaded it in the sage brush.  I’m certain I had an undiagnosed tailbone break that day. No matter.  It remains one of my most cherished memories.

We snuck in late to go to bed.  We lit campers on fire.  We stole pies from the garage and we ate them.  We broke bones.  We learned to swear. We learned to love.  We learned to work, to appreciate, to cherish, we learned true Thanksgiving.

Many years have passed.  We still gather in as full of a force as we can.  We cling to the traditions we can.  Our memories live on and I can only hope and pray that we are making memories for the new children who have joined us.

I started out writing this blog thinking I would do 30 things I was thankful for in the month of November, but instead, I think I will just let this moment of memories exist by itself.

That’s what I am thankful for: my lasting memories of this wonderful holiday.

So once in every year we throng
Upon a day apart,
To praise the Lord with feast and song
In thankfulness of heart.
~Arthur Guiterman, The First Thanksgiving

Long Time, No Talk

You know what happens when you run out of time to blog?

I do.

 You get panicky with each passing week, thinking you’ve missed sharing the important stuff with your far away friends and family.

Then another week goes by, and then a month, and then two months, and then you think there is no possible way you could ever catch up on all the important and fabulous things that you have been rocking in your life so you avoid blogging because you get panicky and sweaty and worried you won’t do your months of memories justice.

Then, for me anyway, your fingers itching to type something that isn’t a theory, a thesis, a close reading or an analysis outweighs the panic and you just write instead.

So – yeah – I’ve been a little absent, but it’s great news because I was doing this awesome thing I have been trying: living in the moment.

I’m pretty certain I last left off telling you how fabulous my family reunion went – which it totally did. I am still proud of myself for that level of awesome.  So to sum up my adventures AFTER that I will say this:

*Never fly United if you can avoid it, their customer service sucks.

*The pacific North East is gorgeous but the jury is still out on if the humidity is worth it.

*The sacred grove is the most peaceful place I have been on this earth

*My husband’s childhood memories of his family cabin could never do justice to actually being able to see it, feel it, sleep in it, sit outside the fire there and walk through the very woods and hills that he traipsed through when he was a lad. I think connected to one another’s favorite memories of growing up brought us even closer – and I didn’t even know that was possible.

*P.S. – the food there ^^ will make you gain a bagillion pounds but it was delicious. End of Story.

*The weddings we attended filled our hearts.

*The car is a serious trooper; it nailed a deer and survived. Bonus? Doug is no longer a deer hitting virgin. Welcome to being a true Wyomingite my love!

*Japan is a long damn ways away and that goodbye hurt.

*Pumpkin Spice donuts from Cowboy Donuts in Rock Springs are the closest you can get to heaven on earth.

*Watching Mr. Manning wear orange and do his magic in real life from the 50 yard line is a very close second to sex. (Sorry Ma, I know you raised me better than that, but it just is.)

*Grandparents growing old never gets easier.

*Full time school, full time job, full time wife, church commitment and home maintenance is not for the weak of heart. Word.

I’m sure that’s not enough to cover what I have been doing, but it’s a starting point. I will just have to move forward from here!

P.S.S. (because I already had a P.S. waayyy up there) it felt good to write and not analyze or prove a point.

...And then, Fall Came

Labor Day weekend entailed 1700 miles for us.  We enjoyed weddings and family and saw Rock Springs and Colorado Springs and Fort Collins and Casper.  We drove EVERY day for 4 days.  My hips hurt from riding in vehicles.  I'm exhausted and don't know when I will ever catch up on my sleep.  I ate more delicious food that I should have. I read pages of poetry. The Hubs read more about the parties who were subject to the pain of the parties who caused the subject and other mumbo jumbo in case law.  We went to church.  We did laundry and cleaned house.  We went to sleep one night with all the windows hanging open and all fans blaring in the house, and woke up to a too cold for comfort bedroom and a 42 degree morning.  We resumed school and work and busy lives.  We complained about the increased traffic and terrible driving when the students came back.  We made plans for the first home game of the season. We wore brown and gold on college color day.  We counted down days to our next vacation.  We spoke of the slowing growth of our grass and the need for a couple of evening fires in the fire pit before it got too cold.

And then....

....when we weren't looking....

...with a harvest moon in the early evening sky...

Fall came.

An Ode To My Husband

You ever tell your husbands things – and you are certain they hear you because they respond – but you aren’t certain that they really grasp the intensity with which you mean these things?  My husband is phenomenal.  I’m talking the most hilarious, kind hearted man you could imagine.  He listens when I speak, he hears me (most of the time) and he responds to me.  However, there are certain things I feel so deeply that it gets clear down to my bones and I want him to know I stinking mean every last word of them.  So I will tell the world these things, so he knows I am not messing around. J

First, I love you – like really, really love you – the kind of love that gets into your blood stream and hurts your heart because I love you that hard.

Next, I believe in you.  I’m not talking like Thomas the Train believe in you, I am talking like blind faith, total trust, complete conviction believe in you.

I freaking love your dimple.  I want to kiss it a billion times a day.

I am grateful for you.  I don’t get all puddles of mush on you very often, but on the real, I probably couldn’t live without you. I mean, I could survive because I would breathe and eat, but it would be one incredibly lame and boring life.

I am proud of you – the kind of pride that wells up and makes a woman so glad she chose a man.  I am proud of you for struggling and coming out on the other side, for dedicating yourself to your education no matter how many setbacks you experience, for being responsible about life, for being honest…and the list goes on and on and on….

I delight in you.

I appreciate you: your ability to hear me when it’s something you don’t like and your ability to tell me things I don’t like.  I believe this particular perk in our relationship makes it work better than most...for if your spouse can’t be brutally honest yet still love you wholly, who can?

I don’t have a word for what I “_______” in you when it comes to your faith because no word exists for the example you have been to me or to others.  What is the word for “my-heart-hurts-so-good-it-makes-me-cry-you’re-a-spiritual-giant?”

“If you’re not a 10, you’re a 9.9” – but you’re a 10.  Probably a 10 +++++

For the next three months we will be strangers to each other.  It will be this way as you enter the first of your final 3 semesters of schooling and we pass one another on campus between classes or for a quick kiss as you grab something to eat on your way out the door. I have gladness in this, too, because this means you are just doing more things that make you incredible, more knowledge in your brain and life experience under your belt.  Those things make you flat out full of all the awesomes.

Basically, in true D&A style, I’m going to resort to a movie quote…

“Listen to me, mister. You’re my knight in shining armor.  Don’t forget it.”

Lastly, my love, “As you wish.”

Through MY Eyes

So I recently watched this clip on you tube of Louis C.K. on Conan.  Firstly, this man is hilarious and the clip is worth watching just to laugh your buns off!  Secondly, something that he said in his hilarious monologue really hit home with me and that was, "There's explosions and acrobats and they are looking at it through their little 3 inch screen!" That is what I want to focus on, but thirdly, if you watch the clip the whole way through, the Jesus bit had me rolling on the floor!!!

Back to the 3 inch screen...I need to preface this with saying that I LOVE photography.  I think it is an incredible art form and captures the most precious moments.  I am married to a man with an eye for art and color and he manages to take the most beautiful photos...the old fashioned way...where he doesn't manipulate and delete and retry and touch up.  I think it's an incredible talent and I think that cameras have made capturing memories so much easier and readily available. 

HOWEVER

I also think cameras and cell phones and the quick digital capture of all things in life are the work of the devil.  How can I believe such polar opposite values of the same concept you might ask? Well, because I can.

BECAUSE:
1) A captured picture of BFF's seeing one another for the first time in months is SO EXCITING and fun to see, but a couple will do, I don't need to see 20 of them.
2) Your pregnant belly is totally adorbs and I love the idea of seeing it grow as your pregnancy progresses, but I only need a photo of your increasing belly once a week because the 4 you post daily, well, your belly looks the same in all 4 of them from that day.
3) I SUPER love sharing the moments of your honeymoon and get totally jealous of your beach pictures, but your husband probably would have appreciated it a little bit more if you kept that one romantic dinner to yourselves for your own precious memories.
4) HOLY CRAP YOU GOT TO SEE A CELEB!!! Exciting business! But only once, after picture 10 it is lame and no one cares anymore.
5) Your kid's new shoes or latest smile or newest face is only cute once or twice and by picture 8 of the same thing, I'm over looking at something that could have been cute in moderation.

There are many other reasons and examples I could include, but the most important one for me as I heard Louis C.K. say it is that so often we get too busy looking at life on a 3 inch screen instead of setting down the technology and being in the moment.  I got the immense pleasure of going to Cheyenne Frontier Days and seeing Brad Paisley live.  Before the concert started we took tons of photos, but when Brad came out, The Hubs tucked the camera safely into my purse and told me no more.  I don't have extensive photos to show you how amazing it was when Brad took some one's camera out of the audience and made a video on it for them.  I don't have a photo of the moment he signed a guitar and the cowboy he handed it to passed out. I don't have photos of the reel of pictures he played while he sang "When I Get Where I'm Going" acoustic, nor do I have a photo that captured the incredible feeling in the air as his speakers projected the music.

I take TONS of pictures in our life.  I want them, they are moments of memories I hold dear.  It has taken me a long time to learn this balance though, this balance where I put down the camera and LIVE in the moment.

Sometimes I don't have pictures, but I DO have the most amazing memories in my heart and in my mind.  I have the feel of my husband's hand as he brushed away tears I wept freely and without shame as I was touched by my emotions in Palmyra, NY this summer.  I have the taste of double fried wings and true blue cheese in my memory.  I have the feel of the warm Caribbean and the texture of running my hands across a dolphin.  I have the whispers of our future as The Hubs reminded me of all the reasons I fell madly in love with him on our anniversary at the helm of a ship.  I have the reminder of how my belly aches from laughter when I am with my brothers.  I have the reminder of the sheer joy my nieces and nephews feel when I see them and focus ON them, not look at them through a 3 inch digital screen.  I have the touch of heat on my skin from a summer campfire and the gleam in my eye from the reflection of a clear summer sky.

I'm not saying it is easy.  I'm not saying there aren't moments where something so AMAZING happens that I immediately think I need to share it with people I love. What I am saying is that I have learned to let those moments pass me by sometimes, and to just live in the moment of whatever is happening, and allow the photograph to be in my brains, in my blood, in my guts, for me and me alone.  I still pick up the camera.  I still share things and my parents are so grateful I do, but they also are so proud of the way I have managed to let some of those moments go unnoticed but to me and fox at me feet, or the man at my side or the bird on my window pane.  I love pictures, but I think that maybe, just maybe, my memories when I watch the entire sky bursting in pink versus just the part my camera can capture, are quickly becoming my favorite.

It's Okay Friday

It’s Okay…

*To have had a fun summer but to also have had a summer in which we were stressed, exhausted, financially stretched to the limit and tested with trials clear to our wit’s end – so we are sending it off with giant SCREW YOU. We won’t miss you summer of 2012.

*To have considered blowing my diet when I saw the commercial for Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster…in fact, I’m still considering it.

*To seriously intend to not use my cell phone after work tonight until tomorrow night. I need to sleep in. I need a life without interruptions for a while.

*To be excited that I saved about 400% by buying my text books online this semester….AND to be jacked that if you have an “edu” email you can get amazon prime for FREE for 6 months when you set up a student account.

*To be so excited for football season!

*To have watched and loved Ice Age: Continental Drift.  Don’t judge me.

*To have watched and loved ParaNorman. Don’t judge me. AND don’t take your child under the age of 10-ish.

*To already know what I am getting The Hubs for Christmas.  It has to top last year’s present and I am CERTAIN it will.

*To have added “take a vacation in a hut in the ocean” to my bucket list.

In My Most Vulnerable Moment...The Scales Tipping

I feel like I have struggled with what the right way to document my weight journey was. How was I to express emotions that effect women around the world without categorizing or improperly applying a stigma or being unfair to people or perpetuating stereotype that results in more hate or judgment? So, I have kept quiet about it. I know what the three numbers read on the scale day in and day out and my husband knows what the numbers read and I figured that was good enough right? Until today when I saw a Facebook status that directed me to a website that promoted skinny bodies – a website whose domain I refuse to type in my blog because I will not be responsible for giving her more hits or more traffic.

As I read some of the things the author of the blog (who chooses to remain anonymous) had stated and the comments that her supporters had written, I got piping angry.  Women struggle with body image no matter what size we are.  I can vouch for this because today, I am going to publicly address my weight loss/regain/lose again (ongoing) struggle.

So here it is folks, in black and white for the world to see.   I was at my all-time heaviest, 5 feet 7 inches, tapping out the scales at 210 pounds.  I’m not proud of that. It isn’t easy to announce it.  When I decided I wanted to lose weight it was because I wasn’t personally happy with myself.  It wasn’t about my husband. It wasn’t about my family. It wasn’t about awful people like the host of the skinny site saying I was the ugliest thing on the planet.  It was about my desire inside myself to make a change to reach a happier goal.

So I set out on a journey that led me to a weight loss of 60 pounds.  I lost a child worth of weight people.  So at my thinnest, in my adult life (the day before I left for my honeymoon cruise) I weighed 149 pounds.  I fit into a size 6 comfortably and I could force myself into a 4 if I didn’t want to eat that day.  I got there through hard work and discipline.  I didn’t eat one pumpkin flavored thing that fall.  I didn’t eat my holiday dinners for that matter.  Instead I opted for a protein shake and broccoli with a 4 ounce slice of turkey while everyone else enjoyed the homemade rolls and mashed potatoes.  I didn’t eat pecan pie.  On Christmas I didn’t eat a ham.  I didn’t eat any Christmas treats – cookies, fudge, none of it.  I didn’t celebrate New Year’s with the pizza and dip like my company did. I drank tap water and pretended it was all the same.  My birthday came and I had salad and chicken.

Here is what I learned:

I was miserable.  I hated it.

I am a big boned gal, I have been my whole life.  My BMI was at the lowest end when I weighed 149, nearly into the unhealthy range, but according to every weight chart I could find I still have another 15 pounds to lose before I was healthy.  So I became obsessed with my weight.  I went from being the fat person obsessed to the skinny person obsessed and I learned that counting every calorie and allowing no cheat days had me feeling just as awful and miserable about myself as weighing 210 pounds did.

So I did what any mature adult would do and gained 25 pounds. 

Ok, so that isn’t what most mature adults would do. AND it wasn’t all just due to my eating whatever I wanted.  Part of it was due to some medical issues I was having and prescriptions I was taking that were out of my control.

So there I was at 174 and not feeling any better than I did at 210 OR 149. Until my husband gave me some perspective and said this to me: “Ayzlynn, 160 was always your goal.  That weight puts you right smack in the healthy BMI range for you and you can wear a size 6.  Why did you lose sight of that? That was your healthy place.”

So I am on a journey that is less about weighing an exact number again and more about fitting into my size 6 formal.  It is less about what those damned 3 numbers on the scale say and more about what my healthy BMI tells me when I am at the doctor.  It is less about thinking I need to look like a model and more about learning my own inner peace. It is less about living up to a societal standard and more about believing that I am on infinite worth and my insides are the most beautiful part of me.

So there is all my ugly.  There I am revealing numbers almost all women keep locked up and secret because we don’t reveal our weight. It’s not what we do.  Well, I did it.  And I didn't do it anonymously so that I could hurt other people or attack other women behind a black shield.  I did it and I hope it empowers whatever woman might read this to believe that she has to find her own version of happy and healthy and that isn’t dictated by nasty fat haters or nasty skinny haters or a freaking body weight chart.  If you can rock a size 2, a size 10, a size 16 or a size 48298098 and feel good about yourself and are healthy, freaking do it! We all have different bodies, therefore we all have a different healthy.

The author of the blog that got me so fired up says she is 5’7” and weighs around 100 pounds.  I am 5’7” and in this picture I weigh 149 pounds.  You tell me, if I lost 49 MORE pounds what exactly do you think I would look like? Because in my mind what I would look like is nobody’s version of beautiful.

The Dark Knight Rises, And The Rise In My Soul

I should have written this blog this morning at 3:00 am when my emotional journey was fresh in my mind and my feelings were hot off the press, before tragedy and horror tainted my views and shocked a nation.  Let it be known that what happened in Denver is horrific.  It is awful.  It is horrifying.  Make no mistake that this shooting is terrifying and appalling and leaves so many people with questions of why this happened and what the world is coming to now.  However, as much as my heart hurts for the families of the victims and as much as I pray for the law enforcement officers working around the clock to enact swift justice, let it be known that despite the tragedy in the news today, The Dark Knight Rises moved me.  It ripped me out of my seat and called me to action.  It took me on an emotional journey and it taught me life lessons.

It is no secret I love the cinema.  I never believe a movie is just a bunch of reals of film, special effects and sound.  To me, a movie takes a viewer on a voyage – and in my favorite movies, the voyage teaches you something and leaves you feeling all jacked up and emotional.

That said, the final installment of Mr. Nolan’s work did not disappoint me.  I am rocking 3 and a half hours of sleep today and a pure adrenaline rush at what I got to experience between midnight and three in the morning.  I can’t go over three hour’s worth of pure awesomeness here, but I loved so much about this movie.  I also don’t want to reveal any serious spoilers so I will just say I loved that there were so many twists and turns that nothing about it was predictable, even in the final seconds.  I loved that everything was wrapped up nicely in a beautiful gift box adorned with crystals and shiny ribbons and handed to me in the most incredible ending of a series I have ever seen.  I loved that Bruce Wayne spent less time in his costume and more time healing his soul.

The messages were astounding.  There was a message of imminent hope.  I was reminded that family is not just about the blood that runs through your veins but also about the people who care about you and take care of you.  I learned that sometimes, you keep your face covered and your identity anonymous not out of power or a quest to remain mysterious, but rather out of the core-reaching desire to protect the ones you love.  I learned that sometimes we have to sacrifice our own best interests for a greater good.  I learned that happy endings can happen.  I was inspired by the message to stand up for ourselves and what is right. I was reminded that everyone deserves love, and it’s never too late to find it.  I learned that even the ugliest of sins can be forgiven and even the most disastrous of lives can be turned around.  I learned that sometimes we do what is right and moral not because it means we always win, but because is just the right thing to do to be at peace with ourselves and whatever higher power we believe in.  I learned that sometimes, words are not needed, and a simple smile and a nod lets the one person you have left in this world know that you are ok, the stars finally all lined up, and you can both move on and be happy with your new lives.  The Dark Knight Rises, for me, can be summed up in one word: inspirational.

On the east coast my BFF sat and watched the film a few hours before I had access to do so and in her words, “I cried like a baby and felt joy in my heart….Seriously. I wanted to jump up and fist pump the air and scream, “HELL YEAH!”  I couldn’t agree more.  I felt excitement, I felt shock and fear.  I felt love and compassion. I felt empathy and I felt myself cheering on the characters.  I felt sadness and I engaged in out loud laughter.  I clutched my chest in moments and I let tears fall freely in others.  I felt sadness and I felt immense delight.  I think my fellow comrades at the midnight premier must have agreed with me because there were sniffles and clapping and excited whooping and hollering.

To borrow a particular moment that my heart was with Bruce Wayne in the movie, rise, rise, rise, rise.  Rise against oppression.  Rise against hate.  Rise against useless violence.  But whatever you do, do NOT rise against this movie.

Until we meet again Mr. Bale…it has been an amazing 7 years.

Moments

As cheesy as the saying may be, I think a picture is worth a thousand words. Here are some pictures of the moments we have been living.


Water Park Fun in Nashville

Sean and Claire get married in Birmingham

Wyoming skies on my way to SLC

Doug and Travis walking Grandma out to the car

Grandma and Grandpa: Love is Spoken Here

He is home now, I love him so much

My Grandmother and me, she is tired but she is still beautiful.

The sign for the reunion I planned.

  

These moments make my heart full – clear to the brim – and bursting with an overflow of love and excitement for this incredibly blessed life I have been given.  There were so many more of them that weren’t captured with a picture, moments no picture could do justice, moments that you have to simply live to know. 

***The moment when my husband’s heart was touched when his best friend was wearing his wedding watch as he was sealed to the woman he loves.

***The moment when sleeping on an air mattress in an empty house with our BFF’s with echoing laughter and hysterical belly shrieks from little kids was all that mattered in the world.

***The moment I looked out the window and realized the south is TRULY beautiful.

***The moment I laid in bed in a hotel alone at a work conference and discovered I am truly an old married woman, for in that moment, I was truly sad that I lay in the bed alone.

***The moment of pure fear when I got the early morning call that Grandpa had another heart attack, the moment of relief when they told me he was stable and the moment I felt complete peace when I walked into his hospital room and wrapped my arms around him.  This man has lived a good life and the weight of his legacy rests in my heart like the comfort of a sturdy shelter in a raging storm.

***The moment I got to hear my Grandmother tell it like it is, she even used a swear, and I just love her for how candid she is.

***The moment I hung the sign for my family reunion and the accomplishment I felt in that moment for my small part in continuing a tradition that formed and shaped the very essence of who I am.

***The moment my sweet nephew asked me (with no promting from anyone!) as we were getting ready for bed in the camper, "Hey Ayz, when are you and Doug going to have thum kidth?" and the ensuing hysterical laughter on the part of all adults within ear shot.

***The moment I had sitting at the back of my older brother’s boat as we sped across the gorge and celebrated the birthday of a woman I love.

***The moment The Hubs went out for a “boys only” lake session with my brothers and my cousins who I love like they are brothers and I realized he was the exact perfect match for me AND for my family.  BONUS.

***The moment that we sat around the campfire and laughed until two in the morning so hard that our ribs hurt in the morning sharing stories of childhood and ridiculous adventures.

***The moment I watched my oldest nephew present the flag and play taps on his trombone.  My heart was so full, it was a proud aunty moment, and all I could think about was how proud my grandfather would be of him.

***The moment we played duck, duck, goose with the littles in the front yard.

***The moment my little brother called me late on a Tuesday night to tell me that I was ridiculous with my worry and the fire had a long damn length of prairie to cross before it got to me.  He travels so much and his communication is so precious to me when he has the time to call.

***The moment I looked at the sunset on the close of the past few BUSY months and knew in my heart that these moments, these instances in time, they would last an eternity in my heart. These seconds, they are who I am; they are who I am proud to be.